The Darkness is a Clear View
by OpheliacAngel
Summary: Sam needs something after the spell fails. Written for xion-the-forgotten-one for tumblr's Rare Pair Secret Snowflake Challenge. Spoilers for Season 9's First Born. More pre-slash and friendship than overt slash.


**Title:** The Darkness is a Clear View

 **Author:** OpheliacAngel

 **Pairing:** Sam/Castiel

 **Genres:** Friendship/Romance

 **Rating:** Teen

 **Summary:** Sam needs something after the spell fails.

 **A/N:** Written for xion-the-forgotten-one for tumblr's Rare Pair Secret Snowflake Challenge. So terribly sorry for forgetting to check the anon box for the last message, hope this is still somewhat a surprise for you. Spoilers for Season 9's First Born. And First Born is one of my favorite episodes as well!

 **Soundtrack:** Title and lyrics are from Ashlee Simpson's 'Pieces of Me' (this song screams Sastiel, okay? - sorry, not sorry)

* * *

 _It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real_

 _I like the way that feels_

 _It_ _'s as if you know me better than I ever knew myself_

 _I love how you can tell_

 _All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me_

* * *

Sam's insomnia had become a constant companion of his these days.

The night after the spell Sam was delusional enough to believe he'd be so drained for sleep to come naturally, but all that came to him were the fresh memories of his failures (his own hands burning the life out of Kevin and screaming for it to be over), and the nagging feeling that he had pushed his brother away for all the wrong reasons. Right now they were all the right ones, yet Sam couldn't derive a rational source for the sense of abandonment curling up in the pit of his stomach.

He swallowed down the nausea and eventually stopped thinking about Dean, the worry that he could never trust him with his body or his life ever again, but then Cas' convictions haunted him, the words roiling around in his overstuffed head. The 'nothing is worth losing you' and the 'you're just as much a charge to me as your brother is, Sam.' Sam tried to decipher how he said his name, tried to determine whether the affection he sensed there was real or just a figment of his imagination.

It didn't matter, he thought, hands wrapping around his pillow.

Castiel had given him something to believe in. He had prayed for some sign for so long and Sam had never been blind enough to not question whether that sign was Cas. It made sense, necessary acquaintances becoming friends, friends becoming brothers. There was a time where he wouldn't have trusted the angel with his life but now he did. Now there was no question about it.

Sam was devastated if Cas was hurt or missing, and it took him a long time to realize why. He and Castiel had that deep connection that was nothing like what he had with Dean. He understood the angel better than he did himself sometimes. Sam knew when Cas was hurting because he was hurting too, and he understood Cas' frustration with a distant father, his loneliness, his struggle to be who he was meant to be. The angel had never judged Sam or rejected him or stood in the way of who he truly was, not like Dean had. Dean was his own brother so he didn't get it, but Cas was the answer to a prayer he had been saying for all his life.

And now it was time to acknowledge that, in his own way.

He found Cas sitting in the dining room reading, apparently engrossed in whatever it was because Sam had to clear his throat to get him to look up. The angel tilted his head in acknowledgment, yet a soft smile played about his lips when he took Sam in. "Sam. How are you feeling?"

Sam stuffed his hands in his back pockets. "Good," he realized as it came to him out of habit. He was tired but he felt… good. Better than fine really. Lately it was like his life had been spinning dangerously on some form of axis, but Cas being there at the bunker helped him more than he could express. Sam wanted to express that though. Cas grounded him in that way of his, just by being there with no questions asked. Sam's come to depend on him in such a way that he knew it to be entirely unhealthy but didn't care.

He cleared his throat and decided to get right to it. By the look of puzzlement on Cas' face, he knew that Sam came to say something important. Sam just hoped he didn't still expect him to talk about reconnecting with Dean. "Cas, what you said, I… I don't get it now. Other than Dean you're really the only friend I have in the world. I just… I just didn't think you would put me before… the world? Forget it. I don't even know what I'm saying." He ran a hand over his face. What he wanted to say couldn't be put into words, not so easily, not like _this._ And Cas wouldn't get it, he would just think that Sam was overwhelmed and didn't know what he was saying and why he was saying it. Sam kind of felt that way too, but there had been so much trust and doubt and confusion and instinct and emotion for so long now that it culminated in this moment. No sense wasting it.

Castiel got up out of his chair and came forward. Just as Sam realized that he wasn't going to be able to finish this, the angel pressed a cool hand to his forehead and Sam leaned against it, unashamed of needing this one gesture of comfort. "You need to rest, Sam," Castiel almost whispered, gravelly voice a fixture in Sam's life and a reminder that he could relax with the owner of that voice there. "That was not an easy task for you, or for me."

The spell… Sam had almost forgotten about that. Cas hadn't gone through with Sam's plan, hadn't done as he asked. Sam needed to fix this, to find Gadreel, but if Castiel said there was another way then there was. He knew that now.

Sam nodded. He tried to turn, tried to leave the room but Cas' hand was still pressed to his forehead and there was no reason Sam could think of for him to leave. Dean betrayed him, he didn't _have_ Dean's support right now because he didn't want it and couldn't trust it or value it and as painful as that was for him to admit, he thanked the world or whoever was up there looking out for him for Cas.

Cas was his friend. Sam feared he was something a lot more than that too.

He opened his eyes, hadn't even realized that he closed them. "Cas? Would you mind coming to my room with me?" God, how could he ask this? Cas didn't owe him anything and Sam didn't want him to be uncomfortable, to do something he didn't want to do simply because Sam asked him. He tried to think up some incentives, anything to make the angel believe that this wasn't just for Sam's own selfish reasons. He couldn't be a burden now, especially not to Cas. The angel had too much else to worry about to care for Sam's state of mind. "There's a TV in the room, there's a uh…." _Magazines?_ Castiel slipped a hand in his and Sam jolted, almost back to full consciousness. Since when did Cas learn this?

"Is this alright?" The angel asked, eyebrows drawing together in confusion at Sam's bewildered expression. "I came across a movie where the two characters held hands. It seemed a form of… comfort," Cas concluded. Sam kept waiting for him to squeeze his hand but he didn't. The hunter realized he wouldn't mind at all if Cas did. "If you wish me to stop then I will. I merely thought…."

Sam hugged him then, arms wrapping around the angel. He didn't pull Cas closer, he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted, but he did put his cheek up against Cas' cool one in an attempt to bring the fever in him down. Castiel was the one who moved closer, drawing his arms around Sam, pressing a hand into Sam's hair. "You have me for as long as you need, Sam. Both tonight and whenever else you may need me."

Sam breathed out and relaxed against him, resting his head on the angel's shoulder. He couldn't tell why Cas was being so nice and whether it was forced or completely natural, but he wouldn't mistrust Cas enough to question his intentions.

They retreated to Sam's quiet, dark bedroom. Castiel waited until Sam stretched out on the bed and patted the space next to him before joining him. Sam watched him carefully, wanting to see whether he kept a certain amount of distance between them, but other than neglecting to remove his trench coat Cas seemed perfectly comfortable right where he was, and that made Sam feel so much better. He told himself to stop over-thinking it and handed Cas the remote, letting him choose what he wanted on Netflix. Sam didn't pay much attention, he was _still_ over-thinking it, but after a while he spaced out and somehow his head ended up in Castiel's lap. Castiel, who didn't seem to mind, wound up with his hand running through Sam's hair and sneaking glances at Sam when he thought he wasn't looking.

The smile came to Sam with no thought and he let his eyes drift closed, content in the knowledge that he would finally be able to get some sleep. Cas might leave, he told himself, but it wouldn't matter.

It did matter, however, when Sam woke up the next morning and Cas was still under him, the TV still on. Cas waited for Sam even though Sam knew that he knew that he was awake. He sat up and yawned, staring strangely at the TV screen once he realized Cas was watching Good Morning America. "Good morning, Sam. I wasn't sure whether to risk waking you up to fix you some cereal, so I decided against it."

The image of Cas fixing him cereal in the kitchen was almost too much to bear. Sam just stared at him, taking in the angel's discarded trench coat. He ran a hand over his face and yawned again, trying to remember what he had said last night.

"Sam," Cas interrupted his thought process. "Last night was pleasing. Not that I don't normally enjoy your company, but it was nice not to have to work on a case. I hope we will have TV time together more often, and I also hope that you will not feel shame in asking me for it yourself. I have come to realize that our time together means much to me. You," Cas sighed, adjusting the sleeve on his shirt. Sam stared, waited, he almost pinched himself but didn't want to believe that this was a dream. "You have never given up on me, Sam."

He had to cut him off before it got further than that. "Cas, you don't…." He sat down, put a hand on the angel's arm when he wouldn't stop fidgeting with his sleeve. " You don't want me. Not like this. I've done _things._ "

"I want every piece of you that you'll let me have, Sam Winchester." Castiel put his hand on Sam's shoulder and squeezed, and Sam's heart practically exploded in disbelief and _joy_. Sam had his hand still on Cas' arm and he squeezed back, smiling, tears pooling in his eyes. He wiped them away with the back of his hand.

He scooted back against the pillows, stealing the remote and flipping through his watch list. "Wanna eat some cereal and watch The Newsroom with me?" Sam thought Cas would protest against molecules again, but all he did was vacate the bed and leave the room. Five minutes later he was back with two bowls of cereal in hand, handing one to Sam before taking a place on the bed beside him again.

Sam didn't even mention that he had forgotten the spoons. He was happy, and it was all because Cas was the prayer he had been waiting for.

 **FIN**


End file.
